Another Christmas Miracle. Batteries Not Included.

This is not your standard run of the mill Christmas happy, well to do post, so if that’s what kind of mood you’re in, than I highly suggest googling happy looking cows. Actually, here, I will for you:

I’m not too sure what to think about that picutre… I can’t believe people honestly have that much time on their hands, then again, I’m totally writing a anti Christmas blog.

Having no children of my own, (that I know of) and no one young enough to still believe in Santa, Christmas has lost its allure. It’s lost the magic that came with watching my little bro open tons of presents and going for the empty box it came in instead. It’s no longer as fun as being dragged place to place to open countless gifts from aunts and uncles and finally, that one year being able to sit at the grown up table.
But now I’m a grown up. I have to make the turkey. I have to stuff that stuffing up a turkey’s ass. I have to do all that and not burn it tomorrow morning with my mom.
I love my mom, please don’t get me wrong, that’s not what I’m saying. In fact, my mom is the greatest mom that ever lived. I’m so happy she’s mine and you’re unlucky cause she’s not, although I hope you can say the same thing about your mommy too.

I just don’t like Christmas. I don’t. The shopping for others, the opening gifts, the surprises; it’s all so glutenous. Who needs more socks? Seriously, if I needed socks, I’d go out and buy socks. Plain white ones. Not goofy looking striped ones with toes. And I don’t want anything expensive either, cause that just makes me feel bad that you spent all that money and then next year, I’m going to have to out do you with a more lavish gift than the one that came before it.



Chirstmas sucks. You know what I think Christmas should be?

Cheerios, The Grinch, Candy Cane ice cream and some wine.
Or maybe Reefer Madness, Cigarettes and a board game.
Perhaps sleeping through the day and eating nothing but junk food from the dollar store.
That to me would be wonderful. No expectations, no frills, no rules.
No driving, no let downs and no panicking when I get lost trying to find my way to a relatives house I’ve been to once the year before.

Last year I stayed in my pj’s and sat on my couch and friends came over to hang out and we watched A Christmas Story. Some had never seen it before, which was wicked.
This year, after the turkey’s done and I’m full and everyone’s gone, I’m calling you and we’re going to cuddle in bed for the rest of the year. Sorry work, I’m calling in lame.


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