Archive for November, 2008|Monthly archive page

I’ve Got to Praise You Like I Should

It has always been a dream of mine to go down to Utah and mess with poligimists heads. I mean, come on.. what other religion is so awesome that you can have more than one wife at a time!!?!! That could never screw up any of the children mentally, as it’s clearly the opposite of a broken home. It’s like a…. mulitple home.

One down side, and the only one I can think of, is that it only works for the male species. I find this really sexist, so what better way to screw the system than to screw with the very religion they call so dear? Well, there really isn’t a better way, so this is my plan.



If you didn’t know already, I’m in a band. I’m the lead singer of a 4 piece, (including me) and the only girl. WHICH MEANS: If I were to go on tour with the other three gentleman (and I use that term lightly, as I’m no lady either) our first order of business would be to hit a greasy spoon All Day Breakfast place in Utah and begin the mindfucking.

We sit down at a table, preferably one close to other patrons as they are most likely part of the cult. Whoa!!! I mean religion.

I say, “They’ll have coffee, but we’ll need a minute till we’re ready to order”.

After the coffee is delivered and the sugar and cream is on the table, “I’m sorry, can I please have some Splenda and milk? They’re watching their weight.”

Then some sort of fight will erupt over whether or not I think they’re cholesterol levels need the extra bacon on the side.. which I don’t think it does, but I can have the extra bacon cause I’m all sorts of awesome.

As soon as Wife #2, disguised as waitress is within ear shot, I’ll whistle her over like cattle, and order for the table. “I will have bacon and eggs, toast, hashbrowns AND cheesecake. They will have oatmeal. Thank you.” Handing the menues over and making sure that I never look her in the eye cause I’m a dick like that.

While we wait for our food, (me more excited than the rest) we begin discussing the fact that Paul wants to get a job because he feels his talents are wasted on changing diapers day after day, and besides, Scott is much better at the cleaning anyways. With an air of disgust, I slam my mug on the table and hope to God that it breaks, (whatever God is in charge of Poligimy) and angrily point out that I work my ass off so they can have an easy life and that they don’t appreciate how hard it is for me to support 9 mouths everyday and they should be God Damn grateful that I do so they don’t have to live in an igloo. (As we’re Canadian, and clearly all own snow shoes in the summer)

Then Scott pipes up about how he doesn’t think it would hurt if Paul got a job and how he will take over Paul’s responsibilities at home if it will make everyone happy. See, ’cause Scott’s the peacemaker in the family…. I then corrupt them into thinking that if Paul gets a job, people will find out about us and we might as well just MOVE to Utah because Canadians are so much less likely to accept out faith and shun us!

I then slam money on the table and storm out to the short bus that we have. (Cause we’re on tour, but more because there’s 6 children apparently)

And that is how I’ll screw with Utah. WATCH OUT!