Archive for the ‘Uncategorized’ Category

Kazoos Make Good Weapons. Fact.

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The guy driving looks like that nerdy kid with no friends until he got his license and is now the only DD to parties he’s not allowed into.

I don’t think you understand exactly how annoyed I am with most drivers these days. It’s largely in part that summer is here, which, like winter, brings about the most joyful of characters that I’m presuming are celebrating their newly acquired licenses by practicing the art of pissing me off. Let me try to understand something.

You have in fact graduated from a non-driver, to a driver under supervision, to a solo driver that is void of all laws, be it in the eyes of the police and OPP, or the eyes of your fellow driving public. That’s three tiers! THREE!

Where in there were you taught how to drive like a maniac? Where in that span of learning were you taught that you’re complete and utter lack of recognition of those around you is acceptable? Where exactly did you form the basis of assuming that other drivers will indeed make up for your stupid, idiotic and most importantly, dangerous maneuvers?

Where?
Cause I wanna play too.

I would very much like it if your driving school exists and is taking applications. I assume they would teach the following:

– How to do a donut; not necessarily in snow,

– How to smoke whatever substance while texting,

– How to make my muffler sound like a dirtbike,

– How to blare crazy annoying and shitty music at a decibel that makes my future children that aren’t even planned born with ringing in their ears

– How to soup (sp?) up my car to the extent that I would be cool enough to hang out in a Burger King parking lot every Friday night. (douchebag alert)

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THAT’S THE ONE!

– How to get that fancy dohicky that puts vehicles into hyper speed, as I enjoy my car to make me nauseous when going as fast as my brain does after I’ve intravenously had three coffees.

I think you get the point. That driving course is sounding tres cool and now I want to be a Monster Truck driver. (Insert awesome band song here)

(I just had a lovely mishap with a fire alarm and thinking it was Monday…)

Back to my story.

Since it’s spring, and the lovely things that make me sneeze are growing, and the clothes I chose to wear in the morning don’t fit the afternoon rays, I’ve noticed that there’s a trend arising.

(This is somehow directed at the younger crowd, which is also a trend for most of my blogs… Very telling…)

As I travel both in the city and on highways to different cities during non-peak hours, I have successfully avoided 6 or 7 accidents in the last month that, if they were to happen, I would be a millionaire from the amount of suing I would do. Maybe that wouldn’t be achievable in Canada, as it’s far easier to sue anyone and anything in the States, but regardless, I would try, and for the sake of this monstrosity of an entry, I would win.

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The Game of Life has that option right?

Those “almost accidents” could be completely avoidable if stupid drivers everywhere were taught some basic unwritten rules of the road.

Perhaps, next time, at 1 in the afternoon, after getting day drunk you should maybe pay special attention to those lines separating the fast lane and the HOV lane. (This is a lane specifically designated for cars with more than one passenger)

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Frogger didn’t play by the rules either, and his mortality rate was not high. Quite the opposite. One would say it is low.

There’s a goddamn line for a goddamn reason, and the HOV divider is quite big compared to those other solid lines you shouldn’t be passing… unlike the lane for onramps and off ramps. They’re safe. Surprisingly, the dashed and solid lines were designed and implemented for safety of EVERYONE you selfish, selfish human. The HOV lane is not a passing lane. In fact, if you ARE using the HOV lane as a passing lane, then you obviously are not aware that the lane t to the right of the HOV lane is already the passing lane. Or used to be. Now it’s used as the 120km/h + lane. But whatever. Stop. Being. Stupid. Let those that are saving gas by carpooling be in the same stop and go traffic but a smidgeon faster. Which brings me to the next point. The High Occupancy Vehicle lane is, in the title itself, discriminating against motorcycles with no person on the back. Don’t scoff. I’ve seen it.

The next tip I’d like to share is the simplest of things I’m honestly surprised I have to say it.

The thingy that is found to the left of the steering wheel, which can be moved up and down is called a “blinker”. This “blinker” is used to inform other drivers that you are planning on changing lanes, or turning corners, or entering a parking lot or driveway. It’s a pretty useful tool for those behind you, and a nice gesture to avoid the sudden braking and confusion and fender benders. Fender benders SUCK because regardless of the fact that you have stopped incredibly short with NO warning to anyone, the blame lies on the driver behind. I call bullshit. And this has happened to me once, and cost me $600 when I’m sure the damage was only $50, but insurance companies are robbers so I avoid going through them at all costs. Pun intended.

“Accident you say? You’re deductible JUST went up to however much this would have cost us! Thank you for choosing the only thing that is supposed to protect you in times like these!”

When I owned a wood panelled station wagon, there were a few times that I got hit like.. 6 times and not going through insurance on any of them made me a pretty penny, so, I guess it evens out…

Speaking of my amazingly dented automobile and my fantastic driving:

Why on God’s green earth am I in such a hurry to be a car in front of you? Why? It literally makes no sense at all, and I am guilty of this on more than one occasion. It drives me absolutely bananas when people are going 40km/h in a 50. Or 90km/h in 100. So there I go, tactfully making my way around this turtle of a car only to find myself at a red light with them mocking me in my rearview mirror.  I feel no sense of accomplishment, and the worst part is, when people do it to me, I laugh. “Whatcha in such a big hurry for man?”  This is a habit I find unusually common, so you’d think I’d be deterred from making the same mistake, but no. I’m waiting for that rare time in which I make it through that yellow light with that slowbie behind me at the now red. SUCKER! Then I hit a red and they catch up. No win. Ever.

I now have a Public Service Message:
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Seriously. I’m concerned.

What on earth is wrong with you people? Publicizing whether you’re in a committed relationship or not,  with or without children or pets on the your back windsheild. Don’t you find something wrong with that? No? Well FYI – NO ONE CARES. And how does it feel to go through a painful divorce and having to rearrange the sticky stick figures? How do you place a sticky kid that you only get on weekends? How many times can they be reapplied? These are questions you are going to need the answer to with the divorce rate being what it is.

Besides that. we’re in  the age of privacy being breached left, right and centre. Add to that the fact that crazy people look normal and could very well be sitting next to me in this Starbucks, I’m shocked that people have those sticky stick figures on the back of their vehicles. They look like this:

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Name that stranger!

Wow.. just… wow… With names? Seriously. It’s bad enough that this is a thing, but you put the names of your children on the back of your car, so some scumbag can follow you to a mall or department store and kidnap your child and you made it so much easier for them. Idiots.
HAVE YOU NOT SEEN DEXTER?!?!
This is what happens:

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This is also a thing… for why though?

Let me guess, you’ve been much too busy raising children that haven’t learned boundaries with strangers yet, to watch any HBO series ever. (I have a love on for HBO) Well, let me tell you what happens when John Lithgow graced us with his presence on Dexter. You know the one; the one where he follows the family van with the names of the family members on the back of the window, and proceeds to approach the young boy, knowing his name FROM THE VERY CAR HE FOLLOWED, kidnapped and killed him. You do realize that this is an incredibly plausible situation. You’re a terrible parent and you don’t even know it. Terrible. More to the point though, John Lithgow makes a very convincing scary man.

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WHAT’S HE GONNA DO WITH THAT KAZOO????????

FIN

I’m Who With the What Now?

My Workiepoo Face

So, I don’t get out much these days. Not in the sense of not going out and fraternizing with the general public, as I do that often in the form of sitting and drinking a pretentious Starbucks and writing blogs, and getting lured in by 3 for $10 books. I hate when they do that. Gets me every time. But that’s another blog all together.

I finally took it upon myself to accept the multiple invites from people that love me and hit up a show at one of my favourite live music venues in Hamilton. (The Casbah) To boot, the whole bill was filled with friends bands.
It was an awesome night. I didn’t even drink and had a good time. Part of the not going out at night makes it easier NOT to drink when you’re not in a bar, right? Right.

As I entered the building, I noticed immediately that I was old. Old fuck. Not happy about it. I even mentioned it to my friend who is just a year older than me, and he agreed.

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That’s me in the blue. Can you see me?? Just checking. I’m short.

Now I know how those “old people” felt when I was the young peoples age when their territory was over taken by us. This has now happened to me on two occasions.

When I lived in Hamilton, The Casbah was my home. At the time, I knew everyone there; patrons, staff, the works. But when I walked into the place this past weekend, I knew no one except the bands and a couple other people. The place was packed, and I knew a handful. And that’s when I thought, “Fuck I’m old. Seriously. I’m old enough that 19 year olds are infiltrating my home base AND THEY’RE LEGAL. Yuck. Yuck yuck yuck.”

This has also happened in Burlington to my home bar there. And no, I’m not an alcoholic… anymore…. shut up.

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We had a pirate party there once and I don’t remember it. Epic. The photos from that night went “missing”, so here’s a generic one of happy pirate people.

The Poacher was the same as the Casbah, only in my earlier years. Everyone I knew would meet up there without making plans, without calling each other to see what was going on that night. Multiple memories I have of my early 20’s years are engraved in that basement. When they painted the walls, I cried.. when they unplugged the juke box, I sobbed. That’s how near and dear to my heart this place is.
Coming back, however, after my time spent living in Hamilton was heartbreaking. I walked into the basement, and recognized 2 people. The bartender and J Dinn who is a fixture.

That’s when I realized I belonged upstairs. UPSTAIRS.. DO YOU NOT EVEN KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS??!?!?!? I’M TOO OLD FOR THE BASEMENT! AHHHHH!
My whole youth spent downstairs, we would look at the older crowd with the weirdest, judging eyes when they entered our domain. “What. Are. You. Thinking.? Get upstairs. NOW!” It was like we were the only ones that had ever come across the Poacher basement; like we invented it. That’s young people logic for you, and thus, I am banished to the main level, drinking wine instead of shots and talking about mortgages and financial advisors. I’m not kidding… that’s my life. And I get the same looks that I gave others when I go down there, so I guess it has come full circle and karma kicked me in the shin.

And I don’t like it.

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HAHAHAHAHAHHAAHAHHAHAHA Idiot

I think it’s a little bit of not liking the younger generation as a whole, and partly because the reasons why I don’t like them is because I know that I looked that stupid before and I don’t want to be reminded of it. To my generations credit though, we are in no way responsible for the “Duck Face”. Most of your 19 year old pictures are now tainted and your kids will make fun of you. But I still cannot bring it upon myself to allow them to have fun. Not without my (unnoticed) judging eyes speculating how many shots they’ve had and why they’re such close talkers all the time. Which drives me BANANAS.
(I’m getting a lot of ideas for other blogs writing this, so WATCH OUT, I’m on a roll)

This just happened as I spaced out for a sec: http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_mbg6o5mqar1rajw7eo1_500.gif
I’m back…

You’re probably sitting there thinking, (if you don’t know me that is) that I must be ancient.. like, late 30’s early 40’s. (hahaha) I’m not… in fact, I haven’t even reached 30 yet. And doesn’t that just speak to the voluminous amount that I’ve changed in about 10 years? Seriously, almost 30 is not quite old yet. I should be able to keep up with people like my brother who’s 19 and not feel an age gap. BUT I DO! I am no longer comfortable close to the front of the stage with people rocking the fuck out, head banging and arms flailing.. I don’t even know what you would call that kind of move… not quite fist pumping… maybe a little Elaine Benes, (Seinfeld reference for all you young fucks)

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This is how it’s done kids.

and maybe a little bit because they’ve been drinking since 8:30 in the parking lot anticipating exactly what it is that they’re doing right then.

I am also REALLY not comfortable when the moshing starts. (Apparently not a word… but meh is?? Huh.) If I’m around moshers or skankers, (not a slut, a form of dancing that looks ridiculous, but can be used as cardio) I get nervous. Those limbs be a swinging, and I, being clumsy, will undoubtably be in the way of one or more. And I bruise easily. So I stay back.
And now, to completely contradict myself, I crowd surfed TWICE last year at concerts! hahaha What a hypocrite I am.

My blog, my rules. I don’t have to answer to anyone.

So, when it comes right down to it, I’m jealous. Not that my 20’s were that bad, although there were a few times where I would downright kick puppies from shitty situations,

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Truth. I could… and it’d be all worth it.

but that’s what makes me a really rad, cynical, almost 30 year old. I have no patience for the younger decade, and I really think that they’re going to ruin the world unless my friends and I, (who haven’t already) start procreating. Ew… no… I take that back. I’m not ready for that yet.

It seems I’m just going to have to deal with it like those before me have and did. At least they’re participating in the music scene at all. That’s good. Bands: Take their money and RUN. RRRUUUUNNN!!! Their OSAP can only go so far.

5 Things I Hate About You Even Though We’ve Never Met.

Dear girls,

Some things that you do make me angry. Very, very angry, and although I was your age once, I was never like you. Nope. Well… maybe a little, but I have a better sense of humour and I’m awkward, so it makes what you do funnier when I do it.

FOR EXAMPLE,

Wearing a shirt as a dress.

Why is this a thing?

Why is this a thing?

This is only acceptable when wearing leggings, or some form of stretchy fabric that covers your butt. I don’t want to see it, and truthfully, there’s only a handful of people that do want to see it, and half of that handful only want to see it to make fun of you. The other half is checking you out, which is exactly what you wanted, so it worked, and well done on that, but please be aware that you’ll never actually make an impression based on the look of your face. No one will recognize you later or the next weekend when you wear a different kind of shirt as a dress with no pants. You’ll constantly meet the same people thinking that maybe this time he’ll buy you a drink, and perhaps he will because you’re easy, (don’t deny it, you’re thoughts are safe as long as they’re inside) but the drink will be tainted. That’s right. You won’t even get the rufies… no no, you’ll have a drink that’s tainted instead ’cause every dude will assume you’re so easy you don’t need free drugs. People like me on the other hand that only wear dresses and heels occasionally, might need the free drugs in order to go home with anyone at the end of the night. You however, would go home with them, slightly tipsy at around 12:30am. And that.. that is slutty. Just like you’re outfit.

ALSO. Get a haircut. Yes, I do covet thy long locks of hair, but what I don’t covet is the split ends that have 18 different colours in it. What I don’t want, ever, is to have long disgusting fake hair.

THIS IS WHAT YOU ACTUALLY LOOK LIKE

THIS IS WHAT YOU ACTUALLY LOOK LIKE

Sometimes girls can pull off the extensions, but most of you don’t do it right ’cause you go to that cheap place on King St that’s still attempting to teach retards how to do a basic wash and dry and get them to clip them in for you. I’ve seen hair extensions that look really good actually, but none of it has been in Hamilton. So stop. For the love of God. What happens if you end up breaking into that swimming pool everyone talks about all summer? Or going to an after party and then an after after party? Huh? What are you gonna do then? Take them out and put them on the same table you’ve been playing beer pong on? That’s almost as awkward as taking out dentures and rinsing them in public.

Bring a goddamn purse with you when you leave your house. I’ve seen chicks take money, i.d., cigarettes and phones out of their bust line and all I can think about is where they keep their keys. (Where DO you keep your keys?) I’m sure you’ve heard of this thing called a mall.. or even a strip mall.. screw it, if you’re on a budget, go to Dollarama.. they have purses at all these places, and I’m sure a couple convenience stores too. They come in an array of colours, shapes and sizes for your fashion needs. I’m sure no door girl, or security guard would want to handle anything that comes out of your boobs unless they’re your actual boobs.

Please keep wearing heels you can’t walk in. You read correctly, there’s no way I’d want that to change for a couple reasons. One, selfishly being that it’s much easier to trip people in footwear they can’t even keep on themselves, and most of the time, you don’t even have to trip them, as the level of intoxication and shady roads and sidewalks let nature take its course. Secondly, I can’t walk in heels either so you’re actually making me look better in comparison.

Stop quoting Jersey Shore. No one cares that you played chubby bunny with pickles cause you thought Snooki would think that’s cool. If you’re one of those guys that wears a beater before the cab gets there, then changes his shirt to an original Ed Hardy one, congrats. You’re gonna get yourself a winner. Pretty much slutbags and cumdumpsters for you my friend, and they’re expensive, what with all their medical bills and children and so on.

I hope this has helped you. I sincerely do. This Friday/Saturday night, I best be seeing a change… and if I don’t, then you’ll just keep fuelling this fire I have deemed as Shmamberley’s Brain Wash. Thank you and goodnight.

I Hereby and Forthwith Strip You of Your Title

I would like to make it known that I have copyrighted this face:

Throughout the previous months, it has come to my attention that some of you have misappropriated my intellectual property of my copyrighted face throughout the media format of Facebook. You may not be aware, but I, Amberley B. am the registered owner of the Trademark:

in Canada with the Canadian Intellectual Property Office, (which,I’ve never actually heard of; can’t tell you where it’s located and have no idea what vain of the law made me the owner of such a face).

Isn’t that a ridiculous few sentences? Yes. I think so too, as I actually HAVE seen many photos along those lines posted by various people throughout Facebook, but really, who can trademark a face? A funny face at that? No one, and I doubt even our government under the ruling of one Stephen Harper is stupid enough to allow such a trademark to be had.  I even find it absurd that someone owns the rights to the song Happy Birthday. That’s like owning the rights to the music of Twinkle Twinkle Little Star. It’s the same friggin’ notes as the alphabet for goodness sake.

Anyways, what this all stems from is a term that I once thought to be at the VERY least a Southern Ontario right of passage as a musician, although I’m sure it spans far beyond even the Canadian borders. But I don’t have proof, so I can’t claim that it’s true.

Battle of the Bands’ for a.. band is, well, one of the few ways to play any shows as an under-ager, and a great way to network as we get older. The high points of these competitions is that a variety of genres can all be put up against the other, making the crowds diverse, unique, and open to bands they might never have heard of otherwise. Not to mention the publicity when linked with certain pubs, or radio stations as well as judges. You’d think that a Battle of the Bands would be accepted as a whole from the artist community and smiled upon to promote up and coming indie acts from across our neighbourhoods, provinces, and country.

Alas, my dream world was shattered as of late. There’s one company from Ontario that claims they own the rights to the term, “Battle of the Bands”. Not only do they claim to have ownership of the NAME, they go further to inform one of my favourite live music venues from Burlington, (The Legendary Red Rooster, http://thelegendaryredrooster.com) that they own the entire IDEA surrounding a Battle of the Bands. Yup. You read correctly, Supernova, and their lawyers, (which remind me a little of Lional Hutz from the Simpsons at the moment for being complete and utter MORONS) are under the impression their trademark is 

“…not limited to the name, BATTLE OF THE BANDS itself. It also includes:

1) Our specific…model whereby mulitple independent bands compete in their performances before judges for various prizing…”

Are you kidding? Where are these people from? I’m kinda confused, as I seem to recall MANY battle of the bands from high school AND college, and this is the first I’m hearing of it considering Supernova has been a company since 1992. Supernova also owns the right to the arrangement and presentation of music competition for entertainment purposes in any form including festivals and fundraisers.

Like hell you do Supernova. As the CEO of the Rooster so tactfully put it, there are 195,000 hits as a result of a search on Google Canada of “Battle of the Bands”. That’s a fuck ton of suing this company has to do, and with a lawyer like Lional Hutz, I strongly doubt that anything will come of it. Besides, the Rooster does not, (and here I’m quoting the response to Supernova from the Rooster) “resemble(s) yours. (format of competition itself) We do not charge our bands an entry fee, we do not sell tickets, and we have a panel of celebrity and industry judges from many reputable firms…who judge…on talent and marketability not on the number of tickets sold.” Well played sir!

I felt the need to inform any of you about this as I feel companies such as Supernova, or Emergenza, (started from a past employee of Supernova itself) steal candy from babies. Their love for music is solely based on a cash symbol on a money bag, which I shouldn’t use, ’cause Gene Simmons owns it. They aspire to rape bands of their hard work, dedication and love for their music to pawn them off with a show at; what may be a great venue, but is held during the afternoon. On a Sunday.  Supernova prides itself on it’s strong business ethic but teaches young bands absolutely nothing about the industry whatsoever. They take a passion from multiple people individually and collectively and exploit their talent for capitol gain. Nothing is lost for the company. They make money, and will continue to make money as long as ignorance continues. I could honestly knock them for a whole day, but I think you’re smart enough to get the point.

Those Shoes Rule, Those Shoes Suck.

I can’t stand most chick flicks. Ok wait. Let me rephrase. I can’t stand watching most chick flicks with other people. Especially boys. I have this reputation you see. I have tattoos, so ergo must be a cool tom boy that chills, drinks beer, smokes cigarettes and watches sports. Little do boys know I do only one of those things, but I outwardly attempt to put off the vibe that I do it all. That’s what makes me awesome.

I recently partook in a drive in theatre experience. I bought my dream car recently, a wood panelled station wagon that has the reverse bucket seat in the back that is just perfect for the drive in. So we went. Tuesday’s is only a double feature, instead of a triple for only $5 and I was unemployed, broke and bored, so this kind of night fit perfectly within not only my budget but my mental stability. The two movies were Sex and the City 2 and Robin Hood. Let my rant begin.

Sex and the City 2 is possibly the biggest waste of time on the entire planet. This comes above medial tasks like filing, and board meetings, and for those of you that are younger, homework. Seriously can’t stand that movie. There wasn’t even enough clothes and shoes to keep me entertained, and that’s saying something. The part I’d like to focus on though is near the end.. let me see if I can find a clip. While you wait, here’s a funny monkey:

I make that face all the time

I make that face all the time

Ok… Screw American piracy laws.

Besides the ridiculous story line that legitimately makes no gosh darn sense, there’s unfathomable lifestyles portrayed for someone who thinks owning a house at 26 is a great accomplishment. Not compared to this woman who has 2 apartments, one that boasts a walk-in closet that actually made me gasp, full of clothes that I can only look at in magazines. Not only will I never be able to afford these clothes, or apartments, I probably wouldn’t even be allowed in a store that sells such merchandise.

This makes me more angry than you will ever know... blasphemy!

This makes me more angry than you will ever know… blasphemy!

What I’m really trying to get down to, but can’t because there’s so much more that I hated, yes, hated about this movie was the end when the 4 girls get chased through the city by the men and hidden into a room by woman dressed in burkas. These women then took their burkas off to show designer clothing underneath of the most expensive taste. This had absolutely had no friggin’ point for the movie whatsoever. None. Zilch. Nada. F-IN NOTHING! All it did was take a piece of an entire religion, stomp on it, dig their heels in it, burn it and then take the ashes and mix it with turpentine to further the assault. COME ON HOLLYWOOD! (yes. I’m yelling. You should see me in person rant such things. It’s either hilarious or scary)

How can an entire group of writers, producers and directors assume women of muslim faith aren’t happy the way they are? Seriously. I was utterly shocked to learn that of all the 47 countries where the Muslim religion faith is practiced, many of those woman don’t agree with some of it’s practices. And that may be true, but not because of realistic issues, but because there’s not enough “colour” in their wardrobe; or there isn’t Prada marked across their linen clothes. Give me a fucking break. You failed Sex and the City 2.. Failed. How dare you assume anything about anything. You have no right, and it made me really really really really mad.

I can’t continue. I’m too pissed off. Thanks a lot.

P.S. Robin Hood wasn’t any better.

Not Just Anyone Can Play the Tambourine.

Every one likes music, and anyone who says differently is a huge liar, and you should kick them, ‘cause life without music is boring. Have you ever tried to go a day without listening to your IPod, or tape deck or whatever? Almost impossible. Music is cathartic, for both the maker and the listener. Don’t argue with me, I’m right. You know why I’m right? Cause it’s my blog. So there. Go get your own and argue against me, that’s fine. Actually, that could be fun.

See what I did there? I got pretty territorial, and vain and slightly argumentative. You know what that must mean?

Yup. I’m a lead singer.

This is what I look like BEFORE a show. Now, imagine what I look like after..

This is what I look like BEFORE a show. Now, imagine what I look like after..

The world revolves around me.

I know what’s best for whatever unit I’m in at the time, whether it’s a band, or my friends.
I rarely give up.

I hardly give in.

Even when I know I’m wrong, I don’t admit it, until a couple days have passed and you’ve forgotten who brought up that stellar point against mine and then I steal it and pawned off as my own becoming the hero.

Yup. I’m kind of a bitch.

Sorta a jerk, but you know what? I get the band paid. I get the better time slot when the most amount of people will be there, drinking; thus making more money.

I’m the one that can insult a crowd full of strangers over a P.A. and pull it off as a joke even though I mean every single word.

I’m the one that writes all those stellar lines that people quote as facebook status’. Ok, fine… only I quote myself, but still, no one can quote a guitar riff, can they? NO.

I’m also the person that’s most worried about image, hair, makeup, and shoes. Stage shoes are very important.

I also have way more people to pick from. (If you know what I mean)

I’m the front person that can order shots in the middle of a guitar solo.

I can sell my soul and buy it back at a deflated price, cause I’m that awesome.

My negotiating skills are far superior than that of a lead guitarist, which brings me to:

The lead guitarist.

I'm just going to assume the lead guitarist is the one with clothes pins... just a guess.

I’m just going to assume the lead guitarist is the one with clothes pins… just a guess.

Usually this individual seeks the fame and spotlight that the singer normally gets which can cause some uncomfortable friction, OR the necessary onstage entertainment one can’t plan.

Having most of the writing responsibilities and rarely getting the credit for it, guitarists can be moody and possibly more emotional than their counterpart.

Constantly in a state of creating, the guitar is often a third arm, thus girlfriends must be very understanding, if in fact they can keep one. If in some ulterior universe they do, don’t expect them to be good listeners. They tend to keep their ear to their incredibly loud amps causing less than perfect hearing, and attention spans are pretty much non existent. Needless to say, they get confused easily in common conversation.

Apparently fish only play guitar says the internet.

Apparently fish only play guitar says the internet.

The bassist however is probably the nicest person you’ll ever meet. Usually docile and shy, they are happy to be the 3rd wheel in any given situation.

Working with both the drummer and guitarist, this dude has a lot to think about on stage and often conforms to the bent over his instrument position with head banging to the beat.

Not everyone will know his name, but those who take the time to learn it will undoubtedly be a fan after buying he buys them a shot or two after the set. You can find him leaning up against the bar solo just because he’s that cool.

Bassists somehow make it out of ever working that hard. No merch time for this guy, no no… he’s more responsible for organizing the gear in whoever’s parents van like a mad game of Tetris and getting it home safely. Also, the first guy to set up his gear and the first to tear it down. This dude is one of the most organized of the band.

Oh sure bud, I'd be honoured to set those up for you... (piece of crap.. no good.. hate.. )

Oh sure bud, I’d be honoured to set those up for you… (piece of crap.. no good.. hate.. )

Not the drummer though. Not a chance. This guy rarely loads. As soon as the car pulls up to the venue, he disappears becoming one with the crowd, taking names and kissing ladies. That’s right, it’s plural.

A sweaty mess by the end of the set, the drummer is one of the most popular with the ladies for some reason. Why do we woman swoon over gross sweaty men? No clue. But it’s hot.

In charge of keeping the time for the whole band, he can be referred to as a leader of the pack in his own way, which definitely doesn’t go over well with singers. Come one though, even I have to admit that they set the tone and pace for every song and deserve some sort of glory.

In past years, it’s become clear that drummers are very picky about structure, sound and end product. Hard to please, like an over expectant parent.

Good luck being in a band. Keeping at least these four, (maybe 3, maybe more) people on good terms long enough to record and play an album is a task all in itself. To see the innards of a bands dynamic is probably one of the most interesting things to come across. Just don’t get involved. A mic stand to the face hurts.

Michael Jackson Had the Right Idea

Nature vs. Nurture, the never ending debate between genetic and environmental influences on humans mental growth, like Spiderman! Both have substantial impacts on one’s developmental progress, but I’d like to focus on the environmental aspects.

Poor tortured souls

Poor tortured souls

Peter Pan the Disney movie ruined my life. Legitimately, that cartoon screwed me mentally. My entire childhood and in my “tweens” (which is a stupid word) I was subject to Disney movies. Lots and lots of Disney movies. Having a brother 10 years younger than you will do that.

Peter Pan happen to be one of my favourites. I remember watching it and not thinking much of it until I saw a play where Peter was played by a woman, and I had an immediate connection with the story.

After that day, the movie was held in such a higher regard. It made me think  I COULD be Peter. (See how impressionable youth are?) I felt I had a chance to fly; I had a shot at being a leader of an army of underdogs, which sounds like a great theme, but it’s not.

Screw Peter Pan. Screw Disney for making that stupid story available to my ridiculously persuadable character.

I hope someone writes a version of Tink abandoning Peter, and then falling out of the sky and dying upon impact. That damn emerald clad lad fooled my young mind into thinking I never had to grow up; I never had to get a real job, or become responsible or achieve anything at all really! And you know why?!?!? Because when life gets rough, all I have to do is think a happy though and BAM! Never Never Land is some “pixie dust”  away.

Michael Jackson made it even worse! (Doesn’t he though?) When I found out about Never Never Ranch, and that he only invited boys there, I was PISSED. BEYOND PISSED. I wanna be a Lost Boy! Only.. a girl though, cause I’m not a chemist and can’t change my genetic makeup. BUT, I CAN tape my boobs down and wear loose fitted clothing. But no, I’m stuck being 26 years old  STILL under the impression that if I coast through life, I’ll end up on some tropical island with people exactly like me, conjuring up food with my mind and sleeping in trees.

If I ever meet Peter Pan, or someone that’s dressed like him, I swear, punting will ensue.

Fuzzy Wuzzy Was a Bear

This particular blog is bound to find me some enemies. I’m not sure who my readers are, as my stats only leave me numbers, not names, so if you don’t know me, the following is not a window into my soul. Sorry about your luck and timing, however, read away and enjoy on any level that includes hilarity.

I was driving sans IPod the other day, which in turn forced me to listen to the radio, which I always try to keep to a very bare minimum. During my solo listening party, a commercial came on asking me if I had, or still partake in using a list of drugs such as Oxycontin, (No, but I have a funny story about Ebay shopping while on it by prescription) Codien, (No) Vicadin, (No) Perx, (No) and the list literally lasted longer than I thought the whole commercial should have been.

In any case, it then asked me if I would like to participate in a NEW drug study which I would be handsomely compensated for.

Wanna know what the first thought in my head was? Wanna? I’ll tell you, but I don’t wan any hate mail ok?

It was, “Don’t they have bunnies for that?”

Which, in all fairness is a valid question. If I had to choose between testing a new “breakthrough” drug on a person, any person, or a cute fuzzy bunny, you bet I’d pick the whiskers, and I have my reasons;

1) They’re cheaper to house and feed assuming you would in the first place,

2) They can’t talk, thus you don’t hear complaints.

3) Better them than me, and finally,

4) I’ve always wanted to see an animal high on stuff I’d never be willing to purchase myself.

I’m just saying… I mean, what if something goes terribly wrong with the mixtures and such? This is REAL LIFE. I just can’t see the repercussions of some scientists scientific science stuff being something cool like Spiderman.

Face it Society, we just wouldn’t be that lucky. No no, we’d end up with people deformed inside and out, not to mention still hooked on whatever drug made them a qualified tester to begin with.

(The picture underneath is my guess at what a person MAY end up looking like after months of experimental testing. Scary huh?)

Ever try to rehibilitate someone taking drugs that probably came from a beaker and various types of vaccines mixed with folic acid? Me neither, but I imagine that their body and mind would be shot after that. And ask yourself this: If this new glorious drug turned out to be a vegetable maker, what would you rather put down? A cute little (now super angry) bunny, or a 4.0 GPA student from some ritzy college or university that was just trying to earn money to pay off some of their student debt?

VS.

Yea. Chew on that.

When Would I Have to Know How to Spell Thesaurus?

Let me tell you something you may not know about me.
I’m a dreamer.
I go through life plans about 5 times a week.
If you ever hear me say, “I’m going to…” Chances are, I won’t, or I’ll get side tracked. Like going to Europe after college. That was like… 8 years ago.
I’m also impatient.
I’m a hard worker but some things are just too hard.

For as long as I can remember I’ve been singing. I was a back up singer in 3rd grade for Bob Schneider.

I was in fact a rainbow kid, and we sang in malls in and around Kitchener. I learned my first mic etiquette from this time.

I was in fact a rainbow kid, and we sang in malls in and around Kitchener. I learned my first mic etiquette from this time.I got all the solo’s in school and never had to audition. I did theater in college and didn’t get into the 3 year program because of my immaturity, which at the time was b.s., but looking back, so true.

I got all the solo’s in school and never had to audition. I did theater in college and didn’t get into the 3 year program because of my immaturity, which at the time was b.s., but looking back, so true.
I started singing in bands not long after I started my backup diploma and have been doing that since.

I started singing in bands not long after I started my backup diploma and have been doing that since.
I have wanted to be a rock star since the moment my foot hit my first stage.
Since April, not so much. Once I thought about; actually thought about all the stuff I’d have to sacrifice like sleep, my bed, freedom and so forth,  I decided to be a recording engineer…

So I bought a bunch of books. Read up on it. Started volunteering at a recording studio. Started editing and setting up mics and listening to someone that knew better than I did about what works and what doesn’t.
My A.D.D. kicked in right around the 1st hour of editing drum tracks.
So, I thought to myself that I like the music business, why not start a record label?
Again, I bought a bunch of books, talked to other label owners, and was totally interested until I read that I’d have to get a bar code and a name copyrighted, and the company set up so I wouldn’t get sued, and make contacts with other companies to get what I wanted, and how hard it is to get c.d.’s on the shelves…

Then I said, fuck it. I’d rather someone else do it for me.

One day I woke up in my tiny ass crappy apartment in Hamilton and thought to myself, “Man, do I hate it here.”
So, I started looking for places to live out West, where the mountains are, and fresh air, and people that seem to be way more relaxed than I was at the present time.
And then I did the math.
2 weeks later, I bought a house in downtown Hamilton.

What. The. Fudge.
Who does that?

I’m way too wishy washy. How can I ever expect people to keep up to me if I can’t even see where it is I’m going?

Things have to be black or white. Easy, or hard. No grey areas. Nothing in between. If there’s any hint of grey than I have to find something easier to accomplish. I don’t know why or where this trait came from, but my step dad has the same thing, which is weird and I could go into a whole other argument of nature vs. nurture here, but I digress.

Know this. Amberley. Is. Confused.
Confusing.
Muddled.
Discombobulated.
Perturbed.
I love google thesaurus.
Until next time.

Another Christmas Miracle. Batteries Not Included.

This is not your standard run of the mill Christmas happy, well to do post, so if that’s what kind of mood you’re in, than I highly suggest googling happy looking cows. Actually, here, I will for you:

I’m not too sure what to think about that picutre… I can’t believe people honestly have that much time on their hands, then again, I’m totally writing a anti Christmas blog.

Having no children of my own, (that I know of) and no one young enough to still believe in Santa, Christmas has lost its allure. It’s lost the magic that came with watching my little bro open tons of presents and going for the empty box it came in instead. It’s no longer as fun as being dragged place to place to open countless gifts from aunts and uncles and finally, that one year being able to sit at the grown up table.
But now I’m a grown up. I have to make the turkey. I have to stuff that stuffing up a turkey’s ass. I have to do all that and not burn it tomorrow morning with my mom.
I love my mom, please don’t get me wrong, that’s not what I’m saying. In fact, my mom is the greatest mom that ever lived. I’m so happy she’s mine and you’re unlucky cause she’s not, although I hope you can say the same thing about your mommy too.

I just don’t like Christmas. I don’t. The shopping for others, the opening gifts, the surprises; it’s all so glutenous. Who needs more socks? Seriously, if I needed socks, I’d go out and buy socks. Plain white ones. Not goofy looking striped ones with toes. And I don’t want anything expensive either, cause that just makes me feel bad that you spent all that money and then next year, I’m going to have to out do you with a more lavish gift than the one that came before it.

AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Chirstmas sucks. You know what I think Christmas should be?

Cheerios, The Grinch, Candy Cane ice cream and some wine.
Or maybe Reefer Madness, Cigarettes and a board game.
Perhaps sleeping through the day and eating nothing but junk food from the dollar store.
That to me would be wonderful. No expectations, no frills, no rules.
No driving, no let downs and no panicking when I get lost trying to find my way to a relatives house I’ve been to once the year before.

Last year I stayed in my pj’s and sat on my couch and friends came over to hang out and we watched A Christmas Story. Some had never seen it before, which was wicked.
This year, after the turkey’s done and I’m full and everyone’s gone, I’m calling you and we’re going to cuddle in bed for the rest of the year. Sorry work, I’m calling in lame.