Archive for April, 2009|Monthly archive page

Amberley, “Your mother is usually always right most of the time”.

Banff up the Gondola

Banff up the Gondola

It seems that within the fourth day of this random trip out West, I have come to the realization that I know nothing.

Not  in the cute, “I just turned 18 and realized that my mother is always right” way, but in an embarassing, demeaning “I have no idea what I’m doing with my life and probably should ’cause I’m an adult now” kind of way. I just found out that I know nothing about where I want to be in 5 years, and even more than nothing about where I am now. And where the shit should I be in 5 years? What a stupid goddamn question! I mean, come on! I barely remember where I was 5 years ago. Geez. Don’t ever ask me that or I’ll punch you.

Anywho, I more meant that I know nothing about what kind of person I am, what good is coming out of the the decisions I’ve made, and what actually makes me happy. This, I find incredibly sad, don’t you think? It’s like.. I should clearly know a bit about that at least.. and honestly I thought I was completely self aware and on the path to enlightenment.

I was having a great discussion with a chillin’ cousin last night about life and how I got to be where I am today, and I realized that I’ve said the same things every time someone is trying to get to know me. I’m talking in circles without any new realizations to come out of it, which completely defeats the purpose of living in my mind.

So, with the intent of moving forward, I have this to offer:

I live in Hamilton. I live on my own with 2 cats downtown by all the bars. I don’t drink much for now, although I will probably go back up to my alcoholic tolerance in about 3 months. I love to sing and heart my band. I am a secretary at a tattoo shop which gives me a free tattoo for a days pay. I like being close to the farmers market, eat well and go to the gym regularly. I’m volunteering with the Heart and Stroke Foundation when I return from aforementioned trip. I hate liars. I hate addicts, and I hate fighting. I love drama when it doesn’t include me cause it’s funny. I’m currently listening to a kareoke night a floor below me at a hostel on the mountain wishing it weren’t so cold so I could go lie outside and watch the stars. I hate growing up. So far, it sucks. I have no clue what people think of me and for some god forsaken reason I actually care. I want off this ride. I want to escape everything and never look back. I want the unfamiliarity of new towns and faces. I want to be able to say that I’ve done something no one else has. I want to hop on a plane tomorrow to Tawain and help make some tshirts in a poorly tailored fashion, (no pun intended). I want to climb the mountain I know is sitting through the darkness just as I sit here, both completely stagnant within ourselves.

I love mountains

I love mountains

I guess in the great scheme of things, unfamiliarity scares the crap out of me. Lack of control and failure to change is a piss off. I have no clue what the answer is, or going to be for that matter, and I know that the only person that WILL have any idea is my mom, and as much as I love that woman, I doubt very much it’ll be an answer I’ll be happy with for longer than that 3 months span… Looks like by the time I realize my mom has great ideas, I’m back to drinking them away.