5 Things I Hate About You Even Though We’ve Never Met.

Dear girls,

Some things that you do make me angry. Very, very angry, and although I was your age once, I was never like you. Nope. Well… maybe a little, but I have a better sense of humour and I’m awkward, so it makes what you do funnier when I do it.

FOR EXAMPLE,

Wearing a shirt as a dress.

Why is this a thing?

Why is this a thing?

This is only acceptable when wearing leggings, or some form of stretchy fabric that covers your butt. I don’t want to see it, and truthfully, there’s only a handful of people that do want to see it, and half of that handful only want to see it to make fun of you. The other half is checking you out, which is exactly what you wanted, so it worked, and well done on that, but please be aware that you’ll never actually make an impression based on the look of your face. No one will recognize you later or the next weekend when you wear a different kind of shirt as a dress with no pants. You’ll constantly meet the same people thinking that maybe this time he’ll buy you a drink, and perhaps he will because you’re easy, (don’t deny it, you’re thoughts are safe as long as they’re inside) but the drink will be tainted. That’s right. You won’t even get the rufies… no no, you’ll have a drink that’s tainted instead ’cause every dude will assume you’re so easy you don’t need free drugs. People like me on the other hand that only wear dresses and heels occasionally, might need the free drugs in order to go home with anyone at the end of the night. You however, would go home with them, slightly tipsy at around 12:30am. And that.. that is slutty. Just like you’re outfit.

ALSO. Get a haircut. Yes, I do covet thy long locks of hair, but what I don’t covet is the split ends that have 18 different colours in it. What I don’t want, ever, is to have long disgusting fake hair.

THIS IS WHAT YOU ACTUALLY LOOK LIKE

THIS IS WHAT YOU ACTUALLY LOOK LIKE

Sometimes girls can pull off the extensions, but most of you don’t do it right ’cause you go to that cheap place on King St that’s still attempting to teach retards how to do a basic wash and dry and get them to clip them in for you. I’ve seen hair extensions that look really good actually, but none of it has been in Hamilton. So stop. For the love of God. What happens if you end up breaking into that swimming pool everyone talks about all summer? Or going to an after party and then an after after party? Huh? What are you gonna do then? Take them out and put them on the same table you’ve been playing beer pong on? That’s almost as awkward as taking out dentures and rinsing them in public.

Bring a goddamn purse with you when you leave your house. I’ve seen chicks take money, i.d., cigarettes and phones out of their bust line and all I can think about is where they keep their keys. (Where DO you keep your keys?) I’m sure you’ve heard of this thing called a mall.. or even a strip mall.. screw it, if you’re on a budget, go to Dollarama.. they have purses at all these places, and I’m sure a couple convenience stores too. They come in an array of colours, shapes and sizes for your fashion needs. I’m sure no door girl, or security guard would want to handle anything that comes out of your boobs unless they’re your actual boobs.

Please keep wearing heels you can’t walk in. You read correctly, there’s no way I’d want that to change for a couple reasons. One, selfishly being that it’s much easier to trip people in footwear they can’t even keep on themselves, and most of the time, you don’t even have to trip them, as the level of intoxication and shady roads and sidewalks let nature take its course. Secondly, I can’t walk in heels either so you’re actually making me look better in comparison.

Stop quoting Jersey Shore. No one cares that you played chubby bunny with pickles cause you thought Snooki would think that’s cool. If you’re one of those guys that wears a beater before the cab gets there, then changes his shirt to an original Ed Hardy one, congrats. You’re gonna get yourself a winner. Pretty much slutbags and cumdumpsters for you my friend, and they’re expensive, what with all their medical bills and children and so on.

I hope this has helped you. I sincerely do. This Friday/Saturday night, I best be seeing a change… and if I don’t, then you’ll just keep fuelling this fire I have deemed as Shmamberley’s Brain Wash. Thank you and goodnight.

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