‘Till Death Do Our Opinions Part

You are blonde. No offence.

You are pretty, up until that 5th shot.

You are really smart, but I can’t understand a word you’re saying.

You are drunk.

It’s summer. I can tell cause there be bitches pouring their hearts out on the patio and I can hear you from across the way. I don’t know what it is about nice weather, good music, close friends and specially made drinks that makes you so sad, but it makes me laugh, and I’m sorry.

The pain that you are enduring right before a packed audience will be embarassing tomorrow I dare say. I’m sure that on any other day that ends in y you would be different, but tonight, you are the scene.

And the stage is yours and set.

Let me guess. Your boyfriend was checking out another girl. At a bar. Holy crap, never would have thought. Are you so terribly insecure that you’ve forgotten to gauge out his eyes before exiting your parents den? Honestly, get over yourself. He’s probably just looking at what a professional drinker looks like. This, coupled with the fact that he made out with your best friend the other day stirs up what scientists call, “depression”.

Consider this: the depression is fueled by the downer of the alcohol, so it kinda makes you act like the girls bartenders often refer to as “a piece of work”. That’s right, there’s a heading.  You kind of make them sick as if everyone around you is in clear and present danger of losing a ligimant if anywhere near the “hot zone” when ignited.

Honestly though, it’s not all your fault. You can blame it on the rain, you can blame it on the stars that shine at night, or you can blame it on the drink. That’s not necessarily a bad idea, but I’ll tell you what is

GIVING YOUR CRYING GIRLFRIEND MORE BOOZE!

Come on lameoid! What the f*ck are you thinking? You kinda deserve being yelled at now cause that bartender’s only waiting for some more entertainment in the long evening ahead of them. So, if you’re gonna fuel the fire, pick something that won’t burn when she pukes it up. That means no jager, or tequila, or straight up anything. Pick something fruity that will remind her of the plans of a beach and some fruity bitch drinks that you’ve promised before all this went down.

Until next time boys and girls, play safe. Ok? Thanks. Until I see you next, I’ll attempt to not trip your drunk ass girlfriend, but it won’t be easy. Just sayin’.