Amberley, your mother is usually always right most of the time.
It seems that within the fourth day of this random trip out West, I have come to the realization that I know nothing.
Not in the cute, “I just turned 18 and realized that my mother is always right” way, but in an embarassing, demeaning “I have no idea what I’m doing with my life and probably should ’cause I’m an adult now” kind of way. I just found out that I know nothing about where I want to be in 5 years, and even more than nothing about where I am now. And where the shit should I be in 5 years? What a stupid goddamn question! I mean, come on! I barely remember where I was 5 years ago. Geez. Don’t ever ask me that or I’ll punch you.
Anywho, I more meant that I know nothing about what kind of person I am, what good is coming out of the the decisions I’ve made, and what actually makes me happy. This, I find incredibly sad, don’t you think? It’s like.. I should clearly know a bit about that at least.. and honestly I thought I was completely self aware and on the path to enlightenment.
I was having a great discussion with a chillin’ cousin last night about life and how I got to be where I am today, and I realized that I’ve said the same things every time someone is trying to get to know me. I’m talking in circles without any new realizations to come out of it, which completely defeats the purpose of living in my mind.
So, with the intent of moving forward, I have this to offer:
I live in Hamilton. I live on my own with 2 cats downtown by all the bars. I don’t drink much for now, although I will probably go back up to my alcoholic tolerance in about 3 months. I love to sing and heart my band. I am a secretary at a tattoo shop which gives me a free tattoo for a days pay. I like being close to the farmers market, eat well and go to the gym regularly. I’m volunteering with the Heart and Stroke Foundation when I return from aforementioned trip. I hate liars. I hate addicts, and I hate fighting. I love drama when it doesn’t include me cause it’s funny. I’m currently listening to a kareoke night a floor below me at a hostel on the mountain wishing it weren’t so cold so I could go lie outside and watch the stars. I hate growing up. So far, it sucks. I have no clue what people think of me and for some god forsaken reason I actually care. I want off this ride. I want to escape everything and never look back. I want the unfamiliarity of new towns and faces. I want to be able to say that I’ve done something no one else has. I want to hop on a plane tomorrow to Tawain and help make some tshirts in a poorly tailored fashion, (no pun intended). I want to climb the mountain I know is sitting through the darkness just as I sit here, both completely stagnant within ourselves.
I guess in the great scheme of things, unfamiliarity scares the crap out of me. Lack of control and failure to change is a piss off. I have no clue what the answer is, or going to be for that matter, and I know that the only person that WILL have any idea is my mom, and as much as I love that woman, I doubt very much it’ll be an answer I’ll be happy with for longer than that 3 months span… Looks like by the time I realize my mom has great ideas, I’m back to drinking them away.
8 comments so far
Leave a reply
i hope you don’t think you’re the only one in this boat. 5 years from now? all i can say is i hope i’m making more money than i am right now, but other than that, who knows. calgary, toronto, somewhere else… career in music, computers, quit drugs, become a buddhist monk… inside out and upside down. i say just let life be life and enjoy the ride, because it’s not the destination that matters, it’s the journey.
your profanity makes me nauseous.
breathe, shamberley, just breathe…
and git ur ass to victoria to visit me!
i dunno if that’s a good thing or not. i hope it is. i’m determined to start meditating so i can find happiness in what i have rather than striving for things that can be so easily lost again, but it’s surprisingly hard to motivate myself to actually sit and deliberately do nothing for an extended period of time.
I want to give you a hug right now, I’m slightly drunk and I miss you….not just b/c you on a radical trip but b/c….im not going to get sappy…. i just miss you! lets hang out when you get home
Laurie, I thought that said “snappy” and I’m all like.. why..? Why you gotta tell me off electronically. It seems I’m wrong and it says SAPPY.. duh.
Aw wifer….anyone who says they really know who they are is straight up lying, so don’t compare yourself to anyone. And don’t live your life thinking there’s somewhere you’re ’supposed’ to be or ’supposed’ to know. Maybe some people think they know what they want, and they move in the direction they think they should be going in….but i read something a while ago that stuck with me. The human brain is physically incapable of knowing what it is it wants until the situation presents itself. So even if you think you want something, when it happens and is right in front of your face, you might be all ‘meh’. I know it’s happened that way for me.
Point being…just live man. Your life is whatever you’re doing at any given time. If you get somewhere else…cool, but there’s no guarentee you’ll even wake up tomorrow, so just dig it all. Even if it sucks. Anything is better than nothing. Familiar gets boring. Ruts blow. Change blows equally at the time, but it’s usually worth it. I should take my own advice sometimes haha.
xo, can’t wait to see you and hear stories.
Here it is. That idea(s) your mom will have. From your mom.
First: Bloom where you are planted (as per Joliologist, Pat M.) What is the story you want to look back on in 5 years? Whining about where you’ll be in 5 years? I think not. Pat says, “Life is but a dream…not a nightmare.” (From Row,Row,Row Your Boat)
Come to think of it, now is 5 years later, right? And I’m still carrying around baby fat from 1994, my house is still dusty and disorganized, my career hasn’t taken off like a jet airplane. So I’m going to the beach.
Second: Life is hard. We all strive for Happiness. But that isn’t a place you get to, it’s what you get sometimes. Think about what came BEFORE the Happily Ever After. Such as sliding down glass mountains; pricking your damn finger; counting on silver pins, crusts of bread and a mother’s blessing when you go out into the great wide world.
Third: Pick one dream at a time and make it the best ever.
As much as I love that Amberley woman, she should know by now, life doesn’t always suck.